Have you ever wondered why some days you feel like you can conquer the world, while other days you feel like a small, invisible speck?
This wobbly feeling is often called self-esteem, a concept that psychologists have been trying to map out for over a hundred years. It is the story we tell ourselves about our own worth, and it changes based on who we are with, what we do, and how we handle our mistakes.
Imagine you are standing in a dusty library in Cambridge, Massachusetts, in the year 1890. The air smells like old paper and woodsmoke. A man with a bushy beard named William James is sitting at a heavy oak desk, scratching away with a fountain pen.
He is writing the very first textbook about the human mind. He is trying to figure out why some people feel happy with themselves while others do not. This is the moment the idea of self-esteem was born in the world of science.
The word 'esteem' comes from the Latin word 'aestimare,' which means to value or to estimate. So, self-esteem is literally how you 'estimate' your own value!
Before William James, people did not really talk about "self-esteem." They talked about being proud or being humble, but they did not think of it as a psychological score you could measure. James realized that how we feel about ourselves is not just about how good we are at things.
It is actually a mathematical equation in our heads. He believed our self-esteem comes from the gap between what we want to achieve and what we actually do. If you want to be a master baker but you can barely toast bread, your self-esteem might take a dip.
Self-esteem is determined by the ratio of our actualities to our supposed potentialities.
James called our goals and expectations pretensions. He suggested that if we want to feel better, we have two choices: we can either work harder to succeed, or we can lower our pretensions. It was a very practical way of looking at the heart.
Finn says:
"So William James thought I could just decide to want less? That sounds easier said than done. Sometimes I really want to be good at something, and it hurts when I'm not."
But as time went on, other thinkers realized that self-esteem was much more complicated than a math problem. In the middle of the 1900s, a psychologist named Carl Rogers started looking at it differently. He did not think self-esteem was just about winning or losing.
Rogers spent his days listening to people talk about their deepest fears and hopes. He noticed that many people felt they only deserved love if they were perfect, or if they did exactly what others wanted. He called this "conditions of worth."
Imagine you are an explorer in a thick jungle. If you feel like you have to be the 'best' explorer, you might be too scared to take a wrong turn. But if you know you are okay even if you get lost, you can actually enjoy the journey.
Rogers believed that for a person to grow, they needed something called unconditional positive regard. This means being cared for and accepted for who you are, without any strings attached. He thought self-esteem grew best when we felt safe enough to be our messy, imperfect selves.
Mira says:
"I like what Carl Rogers said about being a plant. A plant doesn't feel bad if it grows a crooked leaf. It just keeps reaching for the light. Maybe we can do that too."
He often used the metaphor of a plant. A plant does not try to be a "good" plant: it just tries to grow. If it has enough sunlight and water, it becomes exactly what it is supposed to be. Rogers thought humans were the same.
The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.
While Rogers was thinking about acceptance, another psychologist named Abraham Maslow was looking at what humans need to survive and thrive. He created a famous pyramid called the Hierarchy of Needs. He placed self-esteem near the very top.
Maslow argued that we cannot really focus on our self-esteem if we are hungry, unsafe, or lonely. Once our basic needs are met, we naturally start looking for two types of respect: respect from others and respect for ourselves.
Make a 'Not-Yet' list. Write down three things you aren't good at yet, but want to be. Next to them, write one tiny step you can take toward each one. This helps build the 'competence' that Maslow talked about.
Maslow noticed that the most stable kind of self-esteem does not come from fame or being the best in class. It comes from a real sense of competence. This means knowing, deep down, that you can handle things and that you have skills you have worked hard to build.
Self-Esteem Through the Ages
As the years passed, the idea of self-esteem moved from the doctor's office into schools and homes. In the 1960s and 70s, there was a huge "Self-Esteem Movement." People started to think that if every child felt great about themselves, all the world's problems would vanish.
But this led to a bit of a mistake. Adults started giving out trophies just for showing up, thinking this would build self-esteem. They thought that if they told kids they were "special" all the time, those kids would be happy and successful.
High self-esteem is the most important thing for a child's success and happiness. We should always focus on feeling good about ourselves.
High self-esteem can sometimes lead to narcissism or a fear of failure. It is better to focus on self-compassion and being okay with mistakes.
However, researchers eventually found that "empty praise" does not really work. If someone tells you that you are a genius for tying your shoes, you know they are not being honest. Real self-esteem is built on authenticity, which means being true to the real you, even the parts that are not perfect.
Finn says:
"The 'False Self' thing makes a lot of sense. Sometimes at school I feel like I'm playing a character who is much more confident than I actually feel. It's pretty exhausting."
This brings us to a very important thinker named Donald Winnicott. He was a pediatrician who worked with thousands of babies and parents. He came up with the idea of being "good enough." He did not want parents to be perfect, and he did not want kids to be perfect either.
Winnicott talked about the True Self and the False Self. The False Self is the mask we wear to please other people and make them think we are doing great. The True Self is the part of us that feels spontaneous, creative, and sometimes a bit grumpy or scared.
Psychologists have found that our self-esteem usually follows a curve throughout our lives. It is often very high when we are little, drops a bit during our teenage years, and then slowly climbs back up as we get older and more comfortable in our skin.
Self-esteem, in Winnicott's view, is about having a home for your True Self. It is about feeling that you are real. When we spend all our energy trying to look perfect or have "high" self-esteem, we might accidentally lose touch with the person we actually are.
It is a joy to be hidden, and disaster not to be found.
Today, psychologists often talk about something even more helpful than self-esteem: self-compassion. While self-esteem is about judging yourself (even if you judge yourself as "good"), self-compassion is about being a kind friend to yourself when things go wrong.
Think about it this way: self-esteem asks, "Am I good at this?" but self-compassion asks, "What do I need right now?" Scientists are finding that being kind to yourself helps you get back up after a failure much faster than just trying to feel "high" self-esteem.
Something to Think About
If you could never be 'the best' at anything, what would you still want to do just because it makes your True Self feel alive?
There is no right or wrong answer to this. Your True Self might love things that aren't about being 'good' at all, like the way mud feels between your toes or the sound of a specific song.
Our understanding of the self is always changing. We have gone from William James's math equations to Carl Rogers's growing plants, to Donald Winnicott's "good enough" life. None of these thinkers had the whole answer, but each added a piece to the puzzle of who we are.
Questions About Psychology
Can you have too much self-esteem?
Why does my self-esteem change so much?
How can I help a friend who has low self-esteem?
The Infinite Garden
Your self-esteem isn't a trophy you win once and keep on a shelf. It's more like a garden that you live in every single day. Some seasons the flowers will bloom, and some seasons the ground will be bare and cold. Both are part of the process. The goal isn't to have the most beautiful garden in the world, but to be a kind gardener who knows how to stay through the rain.